Get your laugh on every day! http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/ A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!' http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/a-little-girl-had-just-finished-her-first-week-of-school A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/a-little-girl-was-watching-her-parents-dress-for-a-party While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/while-working-for-an-organization-that-delivers-lunches-to-elderly-shut-ins It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/it-was-the-end-of-the-day-when-i-parked-my-police-van-in-front-of-the-station While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/while-taking-a-routine-vandalism-report-at-an-elementary-school A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/a-woman-was-trying-hard-to-get-the-ketchup-out-of-the-jar On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother The note read, \'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/the-opinions-expressed-by-this-child-are-not-necessarily-those-of-his-parents I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/i-was-driving-with-my-three-young-children-one-warm-summer-evening Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/thou-shall-not-kill Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/remember-that-as-a-teenager-you-are-in-the-last-stage-of-your-life-when-you-will-be-happy-to-hear-the-phone-is-for-you Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/why-is-it-when-we-talk-to-god Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/life-is-anything-that-dies-when-you-stomp-on-it I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/not-a-good-lover Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn't own a car. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/having-a-male-gynecologist I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/i-date-this-girl-for-two-years--and-then-the-nagging-starts Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/yesterday-i-was-walking-down-the-street-wearing-my-eyeglasses-and-all-of-a-sudden-my-prescription-ran-out Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/dogs-lead-a-nice-life Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/everyone-should-have-kids My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/my-husband-said-he-needed-more-space Anorexia is just another word for nothing left to lose. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/anorexia-is-just-another-word-for-nothing-left-to-lose When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/when-i-go-to-a-restaurant-i-always-ask-the-manager The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/the-1960s-were-when-hallucinogenic-drugs-were-really-really-big Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/women-now-have-choices Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/if-you-ever-see-me-getting-beaten-up-by-the-police I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/i-had-a-cab-driver-in-paris For the sixth time in a year, an air traffic controller was found asleep in the Reno Nevada airport. I have a good way to keep them awake. Make them sit in the same cramped plane chairs that we have to sit in. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/an-air-traffic-controller-was-found-asleep-in-the-reno-nevada-airport New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/new-york-is-an-exciting-town-where-something-is-happening-all-the-time I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/i-took-my-parents-back-to-the-airport-today I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/and-for-three-solid-hours-i-watched-whatever-i-wanted-on-tv I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/i-know-what-men-want My favorite animal is steak. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/my-favorite-animal-is-steak Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/honesty-may-be-the-best-policy I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/i-went-to-the-30th-reunion-of-my-preschool Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/men-are-pigs I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/i-was-a-bank-teller The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/the-economy-is-so-bad-that-bedbugs-are-now-infesting-sleeping-bags-and-tents Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/congressman-anthony-weiner-has-just-checked-himself-into-a-treatment-centre-for-people-battling-chronic-sexual-dysfunction Apparently, Anthony Weiner won't decide if he's resigning until his wife comes back from her trip to Africa with Hillary Clinton. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/anthony-weiner-wont-decide-if-hes-resigning-until-his-wife-comes-back-from-her-trip-to-africa-with-hillary-clinton Donald Trump is comparing his resistance to same-sex marriage to his refusal to use a new kind of putter. I think gay people and straight people use the same putters. It's really a matter of hole selection. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/donald-trump-is-comparing-his-resistance-to-same-sex-marriage-to-his-refusal-to-use-a-new-kind-of-putter Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It's already a huge hit — in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/moved-in-right-across-from-congress For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/for-their-honeymoon It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.' http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/it-looks-like-president-obama-has-a-new-campaign-slogan I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl who just shot bin Laden in the eye. Suck my giant American balls, Al Qaeda. Hey Osama, no 3D movies for you in hell. Which I'm pretty sure would be The Last Airbender. ... I am just so happy. And I hope I am never again this h http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/no-3d-movies-for-you-in-hell I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/i-suppose-i-should-be-expressing-some-ambivalence-about-the-targeted-killing-of-another-human-being President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/osama-bin-laden-has-been-killed-in-pakistan By the way, 'buried at sea' means 'dumped in the ocean.' That's what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/buried-at-sea Happy 4th of July http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/happy-4th-of-july Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.' http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/president-obama-saves-the-world And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/osama-bin-laden-got-his-first-bath-in-almost-ten-years They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I'm surprised the guy didn't shoot himself in the head. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/they-say-bin-laden-lived-in-his-compound-with-nine-women-and-23-children Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/between-the-death-of-bin-laden-and-the-royal-wedding A 61-year-old bearded man went to the airport in New York, said his name was Osama bin Laden and he had a bomb in his bag http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/-said-his-name-was-osama-bin-laden-and-he-had-a-bomb-in-his-bag By the way – I should point out that - on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/on-the-same-night-obama-was-ordering-the-navy-to-kill-osama-bin-laden After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/after-bin-laden-was-killed The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/the-good-news After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/bin-laden-was-hiding-in-a-million-dollar-mansion-in-pakistan Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden's death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/everybody-in-al-qaeda-just-got-a-promotion I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?' http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/i-think-the-next-election-just-got-a-lot-easier-for-president-obama Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko\'s http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/bin-laden-was-living-in-a-house-with-no-internet-access Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/osama-bin-laden-is-dead There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/theres-already-been-some-trouble-for-osama-bin-laden-in-the-afterlife The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It's a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/the-hot-new-drink-around-the-country-is-the-bin-laden Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/rush-limbaugh-said-yesterday-that-obama-never-would-have-tracked-down-bin-laden Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude . . . ' http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/marijuana-plants-were-found-near-bin-laden-compound Elisabeth Hasselbeck of \'The View\' is writing a children\'s book about Osama bin Laden\'s death http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/she-wants-to-write-a-book-to-explain-the-whole-thing-to-children Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.' http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/last-night-the-dalai-lama-implied-that-the-killing-of-osama-bin-laden-was-justified I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/obama-who-hunts-muslim-extremists Who might be Bin Laden's successor? If they're looking for someone with a large following who's a religious zealot and hates the Jews...Mel Gibson? http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/who-might-be-bin-ladens-successor Today Hillary Clinton sent Khadafy a sealed note asking him to resign http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/today-hillary-clinton-sent-khadafy-a-sealed-note-asking-him-to-resign The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/the-identity-of-the-navy-seals-that-killed-osama-bin-laden-is-being-kept-secret Stop saying 'we' got Osama. 'We' didn't do anything. 'We' were watching 'Celebrity Apprentice' and eating Funions in our sweatpants. Seal Team 6 did the killing, with money we borrowed from Beijing; that our grandchildren will have to pay back. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/stop-saying-we-got-osama Sarah Palin said Obama should stop 'pussyfooting around' and release the photos. Yes, because the guy who ordered the SEALs into a sovereign country without permission and killed public enemy number one is a pussy http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/sarah-palin-said-obama-should-stop-pussyfooting-around-and-release-the-photos It turns out that Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with his youngest wife. So if we hadn't killed him, his oldest wife would have. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/it-turns-out-that-osama-bin-laden-was-living-in-a-mansion-with-his-youngest-wife The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/the-unemployment-rate-went-up-last-month-for-the-first-time-since-november Los Angeles residents are going to vote on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/los-angeles-residents-are-going-to-vote-on-a-tax-on-anything-sold-in-a-medical-marijuana-dispensary In the wake of President Obama's decision to not release pictures of Osama bin Laden's body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/a-number-of-new-conspiracy-theories-are-surfacing-claiming-that-bin-laden-is-not-really-dead Osama Bin Laden\'s supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/martyr-sea It seems the country of Packalies, I mean Pakistan, is threatening to end cooperation with the U.S. What are they going to do, cut off our heroin? http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/it-seems-the-country-of-packalies Airlines are considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts as a carry-on bag. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/airlines-are-considering-charging-for-reclining-seats Don't do drugs kids. There is a time and place for everything. It's called college. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/there-is-a-time-and-place-for-everything They have released videos found in Osama bin Laden's compound. Apparently, bin Laden dyed his beard black to look younger. It's probably pretty much washed off by now. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/bin-laden-dyed-his-beard-black-to-look-younger David Letterman's "Top Ten Final Words Of Osama bin Laden" http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/top-ten-final-words-of-osama-bin-laden They say that Japan's rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives. Or as Republican here saw it, it fostered a socialist anti-business environment that's worse than being dead. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/they-say-that-japans-rigorous-building-codes-and-regulations-saved-thousands-of-lives Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an awkward moment when she said, 'So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?' http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/sarah-palin-visited-the-wailing-wall-in-jerusalem A man in Texas used his obituary to ask for donations to anyone running against Obama in 2012. And then his ghost was offered a nightly show on Fox News. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/a-man-in-texas-used-his-obituary-to-ask-for-donations-to-anyone-running-against-obama-in-2012 Whenever you are single, all you see are couples, but whenever you are a couple, all you see are hookers. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/whenever-you-are-single-all-you-see-are-couples California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they're just being paranoid. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/california-marijuana-farmers-are-worried-that-radiation-from-japan-could-affect-their-crops The Eiffel Tower was evacuated after a suspicious package was found. French investigators were baffled by this object for hours. It turns out it was just a can of deodorant. They had never seen anything like that. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/the-eiffel-tower-was-evacuated-after-a-suspicious-package-was-found Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/women-dress-alike-all-over-the-world Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/ever-wonder-what-people-got-jesus-for-christmas There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/there-are-two-types-of-people-in-this-world According to the latest reports, medical marijuana sales in this country are now approaching $2 billion a year. I had no idea that so many people had glaucoma. Apparently this is an epidemic. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/i-had-no-idea-that-so-many-people-had-glaucoma Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/drunk-in-the-kitchen We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/nobel-peace-prize The Pentagon says we'll be out of Libya in a couple of weeks. Let me translate that: 10-year quagmire. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/10-year-quagmire President Obama gave a speech about Libya last night. The title of the speech? "No, I Wasn't Born There." http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/president-obama-gave-a-speech-about-libya-last-night Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult them. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/congress-is-mad-at-president-obama President Obama said the United States has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/president-obama-said-the-united-states-has-clear-and-focused-goals-in-libya Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don't care." http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/obama-wanted-to-update-the-american-people-on-libya We're down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven't attacked. http://www.funnyquotesdaily.com/2011/we-re-down-to-the-final-four-now