Short Funny Quotes

Every so often, you just need a good laugh. The following short funny quotes should do the trick. They are updated each and every day. You can find the funny quote of the day on our home page.

To access our archive of quotes click the appropriate years: 2007 & 2008, 2009 or 2010.

●	A Little Girl Had Just Finished Her First Week Of School
●	A Little Girl Was Watching Her Parents Dress For A Party
●	While Working For An Organization That Delivers Lunches To Elderly Shut Ins
●	It Was The End Of The Day When I Parked My Police Van In Front Of The Station
●	While Taking A Routine Vandalism Report At An Elementary School
●	A Woman Was Trying Hard To Get The Ketchup Out Of The Jar
●	The Opinions Expressed By This Child Are Not Necessarily Those Of His Parents
●	I Was Driving With My Three Young Children One Warm Summer Evening
●	Thou Shall Not Kill
●	Remember That As A Teenager You Are In The Last Stage Of Your Life When You Will Be Happy To Hear The Phone Is For You
●	Why Is It When We Talk To God
●	Life Is Anything That Dies When You Stomp On It
●	Not A Good Lover
●	Having A Male Gynecologist
●	Yesterday I Was Walking Down The Street Wearing My Eyeglasses And All Of A Sudden My Prescription Ran Out
●	Dogs Lead A Nice Life
●	Everyone Should Have Kids
●	My Husband Said He Needed More Space
●	Anorexia Is Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose
●	When I Go To A Restaurant I Always Ask The Manager
●	The 1960s Were When Hallucinogenic Drugs Were Really Really Big
●	Women Now Have Choices
●	If You Ever See Me Getting Beaten Up By The Police
●	I Had A Cab Driver In Paris
●	An Air Traffic Controller Was Found Asleep In The Reno Nevada Airport
●	New York Is An Exciting Town Where Something Is Happening All The Time
●	I Took My Parents Back To The Airport Today
●	And For Three Solid Hours I Watched Whatever I Wanted On Tv
●	I Know What Men Want
●	My Favorite Animal Is Steak
●	Honesty May Be The Best Policy
●	I Went To The 30th Reunion Of My Preschool
●	Men Are Pigs
●	I Was A Bank Teller
●	The Economy Is So Bad That Bedbugs Are Now Infesting Sleeping Bags And Tents
●	Congressman Anthony Weiner Has Just Checked Himself Into A Treatment Centre For People Battling Chronic Sexual Dysfunction
●	Anthony Weiner Wont Decide If Hes Resigning Until His Wife Comes Back From Her Trip To Africa With Hillary Clinton
●	Donald Trump Is Comparing His Resistance To Same Sex Marriage To His Refusal To Use A New Kind Of Putter
●	Moved In Right Across From Congress
●	For Their Honeymoon
●	It Looks Like President Obama Has A New Campaign Slogan
●	No 3d Movies For You In Hell
●	I Suppose I Should Be Expressing Some Ambivalence About The Targeted Killing Of Another Human Being
●	Osama Bin Laden Has Been Killed In Pakistan
●	Buried At Sea
●	President Obama Saves The World
●	Osama Bin Laden Got His First Bath In Almost Ten Years
●	They Say Bin Laden Lived In His Compound With Nine Women And 23 Children
●	Between The Death Of Bin Laden And The Royal Wedding
●	Said His Name Was Osama Bin Laden And He Had A Bomb In His Bag
●	On The Same Night Obama Was Ordering The Navy To Kill Osama Bin Laden
●	After Bin Laden Was Killed
●	The Good News
●	Bin Laden Was Hiding In A Million Dollar Mansion In Pakistan
●	Everybody In Al Qaeda Just Got A Promotion
●	I Think The Next Election Just Got A Lot Easier For President Obama
●	Bin Laden Was Living In A House With No Internet Access
●	Osama Bin Laden Is Dead
●	Theres Already Been Some Trouble For Osama Bin Laden In The Afterlife
●	The Hot New Drink Around The Country Is The Bin Laden
●	Rush Limbaugh Said Yesterday That Obama Never Would Have Tracked Down Bin Laden
●	Marijuana Plants Were Found Near Bin Laden Compound
●	She Wants To Write A Book To Explain The Whole Thing To Children
●	Last Night The Dalai Lama Implied That The Killing Of Osama Bin Laden Was Justified
●	Obama Who Hunts Muslim Extremists
●	Who Might Be Bin Ladens Successor
●	Today Hillary Clinton Sent Khadafy A Sealed Note Asking Him To Resign
●	The Identity Of The Navy Seals That Killed Osama Bin Laden Is Being Kept Secret
●	Stop Saying We Got Osama
●	Sarah Palin Said Obama Should Stop Pussyfooting Around And Release The Photos
●	It Turns Out That Osama Bin Laden Was Living In A Mansion With His Youngest Wife
●	The Unemployment Rate Went Up Last Month For The First Time Since November
●	Los Angeles Residents Are Going To Vote On A Tax On Anything Sold In A Medical Marijuana Dispensary
●	A Number Of New Conspiracy Theories Are Surfacing Claiming That Bin Laden Is Not Really Dead
●	Martyr Sea
●	It Seems The Country Of Packalies
●	Airlines Are Considering Charging For Reclining Seats
●	There Is A Time And Place For Everything
●	Bin Laden Dyed His Beard Black To Look Younger
●	Top Ten Final Words Of Osama Bin Laden
●	They Say That Japans Rigorous Building Codes And Regulations Saved Thousands Of Lives
●	Sarah Palin Visited The Wailing Wall In Jerusalem
●	A Man In Texas Used His Obituary To Ask For Donations To Anyone Running Against Obama In 2012
●	Whenever You Are Single All You See Are Couples
●	California Marijuana Farmers Are Worried That Radiation From Japan Could Affect Their Crops
●	The Eiffel Tower Was Evacuated After A Suspicious Package Was Found
●	Women Dress Alike All Over The World
●	Ever Wonder What People Got Jesus For Christmas
●	There Are Two Types Of People In This World
●	I Had No Idea That So Many People Had Glaucoma
●	Drunk In The Kitchen
●	Nobel Peace Prize
●	10 Year Quagmire
●	President Obama Gave A Speech About Libya Last Night
●	Congress Is Mad At President Obama
●	President Obama Said The United States Has Clear And Focused Goals In Libya
●	Obama Wanted To Update The American People On Libya
●	We Re Down To The Final Four Now
●	This Is A Major Historical Event That Affects The Lives Of Millions Of People
●	Who Cares About His Birth Certificate
●	Critics Were Saying Obama Seemed Defensive And Slightly Angry During His Speech On Libya
●	We Will Always Find A Way To Make This About Us
●	The Mexican President Was In Town And Said He Wants More American Tourists To Visit His Country
●	Why Are Hemorrhoids Called Hemorrhoids Instead Of Assteroids
●	Everyone Knows What A Hypocrite Is
●	Equal Opportunity Means Everyone Will Have A Fair Chance At Being Incompetent
●	Be An Optimist
●	I Speak Two Languages
●	Anyone Who Hates Children And Animals
●	We Were So Poor My Daddy Unplugged The Clocks When We Went To Bed
●	What Happens If You Strap Toast On The Back Of A Cat And Drop It
●	I Was Making Pancakes The Other Day And A Fly Flew Into The Kitchen
●	Marriages Are Made In Heaven
●	Expecting The World To Treat You Fairly Because You Are Good Is Like Expecting The Bull Not To Charge Because You Are A Vegetarian
●	What The World Needs Is More Geniuses With Humility
●	Employee Of The Month Is A Good Example Of How Somebody Can Be Both A Winner And A Loser At The Same Time
●	When Native Tribes Beat The Ground With Clubs And Yelled
●	I Was On The Street
●	A Year Ago Michelle Obama Started Her Campaign To End Childhood Obesity
●	Sarah Palin Is Going To India To Make A Speech
●	Moammar Gadhafi Is Blaming Osama Bin Laden
●	It Turns Out That The Republican Budget That They Submitted For Next Year Slashes Funding For The Agency That Issues Tsunami Warnings And Organizes Responses To The Tsunami
●	Gas Is So Expensive Now That Bp Actually Started Inspecting Their Oil Rigs
●	President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Has Said Gadhafi Has Gone Too Far
●	If You Were My Husband
●	You Will Either Die On The Gallows Or Of Some Unspeakable Disease
●	He Had Delusions Of Adequacy
●	He Has All The Virtues I Dislike And None Of The Vices I Admire
●	He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
●	A Mountain Lion Felt So Good He Started Roaring
●	When You Are Dissatisfied And Would Like To Go Back To Youth
●	We Should All Try To Be As Good A Person As Our Dogs Think We Are
●	You Know You Are Getting Old When Everything Either Dries Up Or Leaks
●	When Men Cursed And Beat The Ground With Sticks
●	There Are Three Kinds Of Men
●	The Quickest Way To Double Your Money Is To Fold It And Put It Back Into Your Pocket
●	There Are Two Theories To Arguing With A Woman
●	Hateful Respect
●	To Kill A Mockingbird
●	I Always Arrive Late At The Office
●	Christianity
●	A Bunch Of Fat Old Skanks On Their Periods
●	I Felt A Surge Of Power
●	So do you guys want to get pizza?
●	No Condition To Drive
●	What Part Of Islam Do You Hail From
●	I Like My Beer Cold
●	I Am Not On The Earth To Be Bullied By Women Journalists
●	Kill my boss?
●	Massage The Scalp
●	Television
●	Everything Seems So Different
●	How Drunk You Get
●	How Would You Like Me To Make Your Life A Living Hell
●	So Why Should I Spend Half My Sunday Hearing About How I M Going To Hell
●	Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died
●	The American Way
●	These Are The Three Demons You Must Slay If You Wish To Succeed In Business
●	You Have To Work For It
●	A Computer Once Beat Me At Chess
●	I Want To Share Something With You
●	But That Kid Is All Tied Up
●	Better Go Home And Spend Some Quality Time With The Kids
●	Now Which Way To The Welfare Office
●	My Birth Certificate Plastered On My Forehead
●	The First Time I Set Eyes On Mary Swanson
●	Please Save Me Superman
●	What Good Is Money If It Cant Inspire Terror In Your Fellow Man
●	A Man Was Arrested For Masturbating While On A Flight
●	We Could Buy All Kinds Of Useful Things
●	Thousands Of Birds Fell Dead In Arkansas
●	The Republicans Now Control The House
●	One man claims President Obama wants to give the entire U.S. back to the Indians.
●	They Call It Golf Because All The Other Four Letter Words Were Taken
●	We Have A New Governor In California
●	Of Course I Believe In Luck
●	Sometimes I Wonder Whether The World Is Being Run By Smart People Who Are Putting Us On
●	Its The Zero Adjust On His Bathroom Scale
●	Obama admits he hasn't united the country yet.
●	They Make It Into Television Shows
●	Doctor Says Obama Has High Cholesterol
●	If Its True That Men Are Such Beasts
●	Tampons Fall Under Taxable Items With Obamacare
●	I Told My Psychiatrist That Everyone Hates Me
●	A Psychiatrist Asks A Lot Of Expensive Questions Your Wife Asks For Nothing
●	Palin American
●	The Democrats Are The Party Of Government Activism
●	Politics Is The Art Of Looking For Trouble
●	I Could Give A Flying Crap About The Political Process
●	Everything Is Changing
●	I Found There Was Only One Way To Look Thin
●	A Stockbroker Is Someone Who Invests Other Peoples Money
●	We Will Gather On The National Mall In Washington, D.C.
●	If One Morning I Walked On Top Of The Water Across The Potomac River
●	Politics Is Supposed To Be The Second Oldest Profession
●	There They Are
●	Recession Is When Your Neighbor Loses His Job
●	A Lot Of Companies Had Their Christmas Parties Tonight
●	President Obama Met With Leaders Of 60 American Indian Tribes
●	Congress Has Voted To Extend The Bush Tax Cuts
●	The Senate Voted To Allow Gay Soldiers To Serve In The Military
●	Happy Birthday To Chinese President Hu Jintao
●	A Group Of Tsa Workers At Lax Airport Have Formed A Choir To Sing To Passengers
●	When I Take Action
●	Security Officials Say That Al Qaida Once Considered Spreading Poison
●	It Has Been Raining Hard Here In Los Angeles
●	If Ignorance Goes To Forty Dollars A Barrel
●	One Time A Cop Pulled Me Over For Running A Stop Sign
●	I Went Skiing In England
●	I Was In A Job Interview And I Opened A Book And Started Reading
●	I Played Little League
●	Amnesia And Deja Vu At The Same Time
●	Hello 2011